Hollywood is a weird and confusing place. I don’t try to understand it. However, there is one thing I’d like to know, why do unlikeable actors keep getting work? I’m over George Clooney, and don’t really care for Johnny Depp anymore but I would still go see their movies. It’s the people that make an eye twitch or my butt clench in horror every time I see their name on my TVGuide or their face on the cover of a magazine, that I wonder. Who the hell even likes this person?
So there I was, sitting in the theaters for Sex and The City 2 when I was slapped in the face with what felt like the longest trailer ever for Eat, Pray, Love. I wanted to throw my popcorn at the screen. As soon as I heard they were turning that book into a movie I knew they would cast her. Who better to play an over privileged white woman who needs to find herself than Julia Roberts?
I did a good job of ignoring this woman and her huge mouth for some time until the late 90′s when the world, or Entertainment Tonight rather, decided that she was “America’s Sweetheart”. For the record, “America’s Sweetheart” has only ever been white; Meg Ryan, Julia, Ginger Rogers long before them. (Sandra Bullock is America’s current sweetheart, just in case you were wondering. Get cheated on by a Nazi and wonderful things can happen.)
I don’t know anyone who honestly likes Julia Roberts. Have you seen her lately, giggling on red carpets like an drunken idiot, with her ego oozing out of her nose like snot. During a recent appearance on Oprah, we were made to feel like she was doing us all such a big favor by even bothering to be in a movie. Well can you do us an even bigger favor and just go away Julia?
Jamie Foxx was a pretty likable guy. No, i’m not kidding, there was such a time. Jamie’s problem is that he suffers from The Most–that is, always trying to do the most while achieving the very least. His schtick now is to go on talk shows and tell the same tired jokes and just basically be an ass. He attacked Gabourey Sidibe on his radio show not long after he had his overweight sister dancing on stage at the The Grammys. You’d think he know better. Jamie is a good actor; Ray and his role in Jarhead prove that, but I haven’t been interested in anything he’s done since then. Maybe he should just stick to singing. Not even a leak of his nude pictures could make me like this guy again. Although, um, I guess he does have something to be a little cocky about.
I don’t like Megan Fox, and apparently that makes me a hater. Because you know, I’ve always wanted to date a guy who was on a shitty 90′s television show. I feel like she has been thrown in the faces of men as the thing their supposed to spank off to until the next young starlet comes along, but do guys even like her? She’s not hot or smart enough for me to develop a girl crush. Her tattoos are too silly to be sexy and she doesn’t have enough of a personality to be funny or personable. She just kind of exists, a living, breathing mannequin. I don’t understand how she is, or was, supposed to be a box office draw. She talks as if it hurts her to do so and has the delivery of the voice of a navigation system on your dashboard. If Miss Fox could learn to be anything except a pair of boobs and an ass (which really aren’t that great, by the way). she could be the next Catherine Zeta-Jones. Married to some old rich guy and doing boring Broadway plays when she’s 45.
Oh, Gwyneth. The first Iron Man movie did something amazing. No, not make Robert Downey Jr. the new king of the Summer Blockbuster, and actually made me like Gwyneth Paltrow. That ‘like” soon faded as she went back to giving recipes for peas, effing peas, on her just plain stupid lifestyle website GOOP. It should be called POOP. I’ll be here all night folks! Much of my disdain for this woman stems from the media treating her like some American princess when she first became famous. (Paltrow wore one ugly, pink dress to an award show and now she’s a fashionista. During a tribute to Anthony Hopkins, in an adopted English accent she referred to him as Ahnnnntony. Even he was like, “okay bitch, okay“. If that’s not enough Paltrow’s married Fake Bono and decided to give their children stupid names.
You know, I really blame Beyonce and Jay-Z for making those two think they’re cool. Worst of all, Paltrow apparently bathes in chicken grease. Gwyneth, don’t ever let me catch your saggy boobs on the Upper West Side.
This is just little old me, obviously these people have fans. They’ll go see whatever crap they put out, and ignore every stupid thing they say. Just because Miley Cyrus doesn’t want to put on a blonde wig anymore doesn’t mean she can’t star in a terrible movie, based on a terrible book.
Michael Cera is what hipsters become when they have reached Ultimate Douchebag Status, but people keep putting him in things. What’s that, you need a not that attractive, slightly feminine, young white male to whisper and mumble at a girl who is too hot to even be in the same scene with him for your movie? Is Jesse Eisenberg not available?
Somewhere, Eddie Murphy is getting ready to put on a fat suit again. Tom Cruise is revving up the crazy train for his next premiere. They will make millions of dollars and I’ll continue to roll my eyes until they fall out of my head.
Every time an angel dies, Katherine Heigl gets a movie role.