Oh, ‘X Factor’, you continue to piss me off in the most hilarious of ways. I just can’t get over how FAKE the show is, and it really doesn’t need to be.
Wednesday night’s episode opened with L.A. Reid, Demi Lovato and Britney Spears “casually” chatting over breakfast about Simon Cowell being absent from that day’s auditions because he was ill, or didn’t want to be bothered. Louis Walsh from Britain’s ‘X Factor’ was stepping in because you know, they really needed 4 judges for this thing.
I’d like to take this moment to remind everyone that Demi had her own show on Disney for what, three seasons, and couldn’t deliver her lines during that segment with any sort of conviction. Sigh.
I can’t say that the best in Kansas came out to audition, but there was Rizzloe Jones, who wasn’t the best. I always feel some kind of way about “white rapping,” and this certainly didn’t make me feel good. Before he performed though, he reluctantly met Cece Frey who presented herself as one of the most annoying meat bags in the history of singing competition shows. I’ll come back to her in a bit.
Rizzloe stated that he didn’t think that rap should just be about “stacking paper to the ceiling,” and I hated myself for agreeing with that notion. He performed a freestyle, where he asked the judges to throw out words to him, Demi chose “marshmallow.” Somehow he got the word in there but this was really kind of bad. He got 4 yeses from the judges and his posse of dudebros couldn’t have been happier.
Back to Cece who kept trying to get under the skin of her competitors by asking them way too personal questions for someone she just met.
When it was her time to audition, she decided on a “Cece-fied” version of “Unchained Melody” for Satan knows what reason. L.A. could be heard saying that it was a “horrible” song choice for her, then they stopped the music and she went into Christina Aguilera‘s “Ain’t No Other Man.” Why didn’t she do this song from the get-go? Why do I question any stupid thing that goes on with this show? Ugh, she was all over the place but of course they loved it and she was sent though to the next round. Ah, great.
L.A. was celebrating a birthday, and Britney presented him with a sad little cake. After Spears sang him the most disturbing version of “Happy Birthday” I have ever heard, we were introduced to “Sensitive Thug”, Vino Alan who has a 15-year old son, we heard this about 20 times during his segment. L.A. didn’t expect him to sound the way he did, and neither he did. He did a great job with Ray LaMontagne‘s “Trouble” but I didn’t think it was as special the judges made it out to be. He got 4 yeses though.
Then there was the absolute mess by the name of Deangelo Wallace. By the way he had the nerve to diss the judges before he hit the stage, we knew he was going to be bad. L.A. had to force him to sing after he got on their nerves, so he went into Chris Brown‘s “With You” and wouldn’t stop singing! The judges actually exited and left him onstage to continue his antics. Afterwards, he left the building with the show’s mic, which are about $3,000 each, and was handcuffed and arrested. All for a little TV time.
One standout was Tate Stevens, a good ol’ boy with a heart of gold. He couldn’t help but notice that he was one of the older contestants there, and the only one with a cowboy hat. His performance wowed the judges and even moved his daughter to tears backstage. I couldn’t help but think that Blake Shelton would have been the first to push his button for him over on ‘The Voice‘– he was pure country! I’m not sure where he’ll fit in during the competition, but I hope he does well.
Finally, Simon was back! Well not really, they just decided to show the auditions more auditions from San Francisco and expected us not to notice that Demi magically had straight, pink hair again. I’ll let that slide because Simon returned with a vengeance and he was sorely missed. One of the biggest acts to come out of the UK’s ‘X Factor‘ was the boyband One Direction, and while groups are pretty popular over there they kind of fell out of style over here in the States. The reason might be what Cowell pointed out with the group Citizen. These guys weren’t particularly good looking, even the “heart throb” of the band looked like a failed porn star, and their harmonies were off, but as our friend @NeonLimelight pointed out, at least they had moves. For some backwards reason they chose to sing En Vogue‘s “Don’t Let Go,” a great song but wouldn’t they have been better off doing something by a male group. Simon thought they were outdated and was the only judge to say no. These guys were just too corny for their own good.
After a hilarious montage of Simon shading the singers, “You’re like a singing candle, you just stand there and melt,” poor Adrianna Lemus left the stage in tears after attempting Adele‘s “Rumor Has It.” Simon was done with all of Adele’s songs, and I can’t blame him.
Then came 13-year old Diamond White who was about to make the same mistake of singing Adele until Simon made her choose another song. She went with James Brown‘s “It’s A Man’s Man’s Man’s World” and she killed it, or at least maimed it a little. Diamond has a great voice for her age but it needs some work and I feel like she hesitated when it came to hitting those big notes. She is cute and spunky enough to go far in the competition though.
Someone with almost too much spunk was Ali Brook who took a page out of the Rachel Berry book of “You Need To Hear Me Sing Whether You Want To Or Not.” Her performance of “On My Knees” was good, but singing after the music stops is a no-no I don’t care how much you are feeling it. She got her 4 yeses, if she hadn’t, she might have keyed Simon’s Bentley.
Panda, yes, is every Black aunt ever and charmed her way to the stage, telling Simon that he was her “baby daddy.” She sang a very church-y version of Sam Cooke‘s “Bring It Home” that impressed the judges enough to send her through. Unfortunately, the pneumonia she was battling in the hospital just days before was going to send her back with some respiratory problems. As she was being carried into the ambulance she was still cracking jokes, hoping that Simon wouldn’t see her in that condition.
The final singer of the night was 22-year old Jessica Espinoza, and they saved the best sob story for last. She’s had it rough, and that pain comes through on Pink‘s “Nobody Knows.” Demi called her amazing, and Simon said that it was his favorite audition so far.
The auditions continue tonight, what do you think of the talent so far?