Tag Archives: Randomness

I slacked for two days. Sorry. Or was it three days?

I hate that I haven’t written a single word in almost three days.

As those of you who have been with me since the beginning, you know that I haven’t cried since February of 2008.  That’s a long time for someone who’s as emotional and nutty as I am.   Something shut off when I left that stupid eating disorder clinic, Casa Palmera. (Jaayzus.  As much as I mention that place, I should get PAID.  Or sent a “cease and desist” letter. One or the other.)

I had been pushing everything down and acting like I could handle everything and be a hard-ass about it all.   The thing is,  I didn’t FEEL things like I used to.  I didn’t cry when Alex got married; I didn’t cry when Felix was born; I didn’t cry when Hunter needed to go to rehab…twice in one year;  I didn’t cry.  I couldn’t cry.  Sometimes I felt the hard lump in my throat, but nothing every happened.  I tried to cry when James, our boxer,  lost his eye…I threw up instead. (And silently blamed myself for his accident…)

What is my point?  I finally cried Tuesday night. I cried; I blamed myself for everything.  I felt worthless.  I felt unappreciated.  I’ve been in that Dark Place In My Head before…but this time, I came out the other side.  I have the most incredible man…my husband, who sticks by me when I fall into that hole.  He never lets me fall all the way; he pulls me back up…and I let him.  I realize I NEED to be  here and present with him.  Stephen is my gift.

I cried.  Hard, sloppy, messy, choking, sobs.   And that’s good.  I highly recommend it.