I hate that I haven’t written a single word in almost three days.
As those of you who have been with me since the beginning, you know that I haven’t cried since February of 2008. That’s a long time for someone who’s as emotional and nutty as I am. Something shut off when I left that stupid eating disorder clinic, Casa Palmera. (Jaayzus. As much as I mention that place, I should get PAID. Or sent a “cease and desist” letter. One or the other.)
I had been pushing everything down and acting like I could handle everything and be a hard-ass about it all. The thing is, I didn’t FEEL things like I used to. I didn’t cry when Alex got married; I didn’t cry when Felix was born; I didn’t cry when Hunter needed to go to rehab…twice in one year; I didn’t cry. I couldn’t cry. Sometimes I felt the hard lump in my throat, but nothing every happened. I tried to cry when James, our boxer, lost his eye…I threw up instead. (And silently blamed myself for his accident…)
What is my point? I finally cried Tuesday night. I cried; I blamed myself for everything. I felt worthless. I felt unappreciated. I’ve been in that Dark Place In My Head before…but this time, I came out the other side. I have the most incredible man…my husband, who sticks by me when I fall into that hole. He never lets me fall all the way; he pulls me back up…and I let him. I realize I NEED to be here and present with him. Stephen is my gift.
I cried. Hard, sloppy, messy, choking, sobs. And that’s good. I highly recommend it.