Tag Archives: I’m Old

Beyonce’s Braids – Jane Child Did It Better In 1989

Bey in NYC
Bey in NYC

I have a gotdamn headache already without looking at those heavy-ass braids, y’all. I can barely put my mess into a ponytail without getting a migraine, but sometimes I need the “My Ponytail’s Too Tight Face-Lift that’s MY trademark, so don’t EVEN. You know what I’m talking about though, don’t you.. Pretty sure I need a Lifestyle Lift, but I REALLY want a LaJolla Lift.

Anyway. I STILL don’t know if Jay-Z was in attendance at that particular wedding that sullied ALL of Paris and especially Florence, but I do know Queen Bey stayed HOME and spent 5 days (maybe?) in a chair getting them braids attached to her melon.

Queen of the Long Braids, Jane Child
Queen of the Long Braids, Jane Child

But come ON. We all know who owns the Long Braids Game. Jane Child, circa 1989. (Also? I’m OLD.)

Excuse me while I dance in front of a wall and pound on it with my fists. It’s my signature move.