By: Derek, The Flamer and Maria, The Beautiful
“Britney/Brittany” Season 2, Episode 2 – ‘GLEE’ – FOX NETWORK
THIS EPISODE…WE LIVE!
We’ve waited impatiently but it’s been worth every second that we’ve gushed and yammered about the possibilities of the much gossiped Britney Spears themed episode this season. On top of Britney, Uncle Jesse (John Stamos, on top…we swoon) has finally made his appearance as Emma Pillbury’s (our resident neurosis riddled ginger) new love interest. (Don’t worry, we thought she was dead too.)
The episode gives us sass, ass and skanky delights of numerous Britney inspired numbers highlighting the talents of some lesser familiar characters that have taken a backseat some others in the cast, until now. Thank God.
As children of the ’90s we love pop culture, and as do the kids of Glee. In the open of the episode, Kurt proposes that the club sing Britney Spears. Quelle surprise! Brittany, the walking blonde hair with pom-poms attached, pipes up during the discussion saying she, Brittany S. Pierce, has always lived in Britney Spears’s shadow, eternally reminding her that she’ll never “be as famous or as talented as Britney,” our Lord and Savior. Thus closing the discussion cuing Ms. Pillsbury’s new beau, Dr. Carl Howell [John Stamos], to come into the class to discuss the students’ dental hygiene (or lack thereof, as we find in the scene). Like we all could have guessed, flip-top headed Rachel and Artie’s teeth are putrid. However, we find that Brittany’s teeth are the worst, putting her first in line to visit Uncle Jesse’s dentist chair.
As Brittany is put under she fantasizes herself into Britney’s classic “I’m a Slave 4 U.” We both knew that Heather Morris [Brittany S. Pierce] could sing and dance, of course, but neither of us had any idea she not only could do justice to Britney Spears, but also do it, arguably even better than the original. (And believe us…Writer Derek’s a fag and Writer Maria still has her Britney Barbie doll — our opinions matter.) We would buy her album. Speaking of, we wouldn’t be surprised to see any of these Gleetards try to make names for themselves by taking on solo projects in years to come when the luster of Glee tarnishes and fades. (God forbid that day comes sooner rather than later…they still need to do Michael Jackson!) Who will be the first to fail is the real mystery. (Not really…Lea Michele…we’re talking to you.)
After the commercial break, Santana gets all ghettoloca in the chair, as her and Brittany get their “anesthesia on” and recreate an absolutely better version of the Madge/Britney collab of 2003, “Me Against the Music.” The wardrobe is spot on, the dancing is way better, and overall the presence of thinner bodies and less wrinkles makes for an a-ma-zing display. And for those us that are shallower than others can agree, much more aesthetically pleasing.
Back in the Glee room, Brittany exclaims to the rest that she now realizes how much more talented she is than her classmates. We agree. It is Brittany…bitch. On a related note, we both appreciate that the other characters like Santana and Brittany are being showcased this season. We’ve gotten bored with the usual soloists (Lea Michele…we’re still talking to you.)
The dead pan delivery and brilliantly veiled innuendo has led us to believe that the show has gotten some new writers on board this season. Or better acting…we choose to think both. (We’re not talking to you, Lea Michele). John Stamos’s primetime return has gotten us all giddy with thoughts of Uncle Jesse. We hope he sings Elvis…or just stares into the camera for a while.
After Schuester and Howell discuss love, sex and candy Rachel goes into her Britney-tailored fantasy, this time to the style of Britney’s first single “(Hit Me)…Baby One More Time” and the bitch can’t dance…sorry, we should be more unbiased. She can’t sing either. The video serves as another Rachel-Finn internal conflict vehicle. A vehicle we hope crashes soon. UGH… (Editor’s Note: DivaJulia really loathes this chick, almost to a Paltrow-level. Lea Michele’s version of “Hit Me Baby…” made her ears hemorrhage. Just a simple FYI.)
Schuester gives into his insecurities and impulse buys a brand new yellow douchemobile to impress Emma. As they start to cruise the parking lot of McKinley, Schuester’s belting out of some gaycentric power ballad while also hella creepin on poor Emma, who seems kind of normal in this episode by the way (new Rx? That’s why she’s dating a doctor…!) they are bombarded by Terry, Mr. Schu’s ex-wife, in the middle of the road. Emma runs off during the dysfunctional marital blowup between the two ex-lovers. Another pointless scene…but that’s okay we needed the breather to prepare to the following scene.
“HORROR!!” in the library is found when Susan Sylvester finds Jewfro jerking it to what we can only assume is some rough footage he recorded of Rachel frolicking in the halls dressed in her Britney garb from her fantasy scenes prior. Sylvester uses this as her “in” this episode to make yet another complaint about Glee club — explaining how Britney is a “gateway drug” for all vulnerable adolescents with a fancy for pop music. Schuester reassures the Cheerios coach that the club is definitely not doing Britney music…so of course, with that tired smirk of his we now know…IT’S ON!
Britney finally makes her ‘real life’ cameo jabbering about putting Ranch Dressing on everything and how Tina is an absolute fool for breaking up with Artie…leading into Artie’s turn at the happy gas and his Britney dream, set to the music of “Stronger” from Ms. Spears’ sophomore album ‘Oops…I Did it Again.’ Though we didn’t love his self-affirming musical number…we didn’t hate it. The dream gives Artie the gusto to approach Coach Beiste, who we met last episode, about the idea of him joining the football team. Before he’s able to even finish his thought with Finn, Coach overhears and brings them both onto the team, giving Artie his false hope that he’s been waiting for and giving Finn his title back. But we really don’t care…WHERE’S SAM?! Making out with Kurt in the Glee room…we hope.
At the next Glee meeting Schuester gives the group the go-ahead to do Britney at the homecoming pep assembly, thankfully before Kurt gets the chance to start yet another incessant rant about how Britney empowers him to be more of a sissy faggot than he already is–Oi vey!
At the school pep assembly, Schuester, in an attempt to impress Emma by loosening up, invites himself to join his students in their Britney performance. Fashioned in stark black and white bowler hats, vests and ties the dream team plus Schuester, perform a unexpectedly acoustic, down-tempo version of “Toxic” and as Sylvester describes it, “it’s a Britney Spears SEX RIOT!” At one point, a more heavily-set student proclaims to Schuester, and those within earshot (that being every student and faculty member) “Let me be your Britney!” — which has always been one of our mottos. Outraged, Sylvester pulls the fire alarm causing widespread panic as the students violently run for the exit. Poor Jewfro seems to have passed out and is carried by the sea of frantic students. We loved this number. Derek especially, as it gave him “giggle fits.” Which coincidentally was his secret nickname in high school. Well, it would have been if he was out. If our readers haven’t caught on, Derek is a flamer. And Maria’s his hag. “But a pretty hag” she’d like to note. Okay…moving on.
We find that only one false injury was acquired during the “sex riot” when Sus Sylvester comes up to Schuester in a neck brace. After some more pointless banter Sylvester exits and Emma comes into the teacher’s lounge. Schuester and Emma share an honest moment about their non-relationship relationship. Again, we don’t really care…WHERE’S SAM?!
Back in the student’s relevant world, in the Glee room, Rachel wants to “grace” the group with a song. Denying her, Schuester goes into a mini-rant about how though Britney Spears’s music has inspired all of the students (in particular our newly converted and devoted Britney lover, Brittany S. Pierce — who gave us a whole-hearted thug-like Rocky style fist pump of…what we can only describe as “emotion.” Missed it? Rewind your DVR. Maria missed it three times. It’s a must see and completely worth the extra 30 seconds to rewind and replay.)
Rachel explains that the song she has prepared is not a Britney original. So not only is it Rachel singing, it’s also not Britney, and it’s dedicated to “her boyfriend Finn”…so we REALLY don’t care. If it wasn’t for the sake of an accurate recap, we would probably fast-forward. She opens her brassy trap and sings Paramore’s “Exception,” the camera pans to the various characters that the song relates to as well as throwing in a choppy montage of reflection of several storylines between said characters, and we kind of don’t hate her voice. But she still looks like she’s about to tell her fathers that she’s pregnant and the baby daddy is the overly aggressive Black half-back on the football team. Complete agony and self-disdain, single tear and all. Really? Oddly, we feel your pain, Rachel. (We’re talking to you, again, Lea Michele.)
The preview for next week’s installment has got us all in a tizzy. Not only does Glee take a walk with our homeboy, Jesus. The sneak peek includes a snippet of Kurt at the side of his father in a hospital bed. Maria’s definitely going to cry like the bitter queen Derek really is. On top of the emotional content of the episode, next Tuesday will be the last time we, Maria and Derek, will be serving you a tag-team recap of Glee. He’s leaving her for 3 months for some Aryan boy a million miles away in Germany. Story of her life. UGH….isn’t that what Skype’s for? Annoying. WHATEVER, DEREK!
“Uh, Maria? You’re giving us a little too much Debra Messing right now…”
Next week – GET RELIGIOUS! OWWWW!
SASSY CATZ! LOVE YOU! XOXXO. M & D.