Season 2 “Glee” premiere. Fox.
The “Glee” kids are back – and gayer than ever, just with better haircuts. This episode opens with a recap of last season’s finale where Quinn delivers her baby as the Glee Club loses to Vocal Adrenaline at Regionals. It’s fall – summer is over and our Jewish friend Jacob Israel and his cameraman help us catch up with the characters via ambush interviews. First we run into Rachel and Finn, and apparently they’ve been doing something called “dating” all summer. (Co-Writer, the Gorgeous Maria would like to note though she appreciates the new bangs – cause you she loves a good bang – she really doesn’t like Rachel’s smile. And by “Rachel” she means Lea Michele.) And it’s well-known that DivaJulia LOATHES that bitch.
Next, Schuester is tracked down in the glee room. Where he gives us a little math breakdown of his song selections.
“25% showtunes, 25 hip hop, 25 rock n roll…”
Jewfro quickly finishes our shared thought of “100% gay.”
Off to the locker rooms to catch up with Puck where we learn that this summer he had a vasectomy. Also, he still isn’t over Quinn.
Speaking of Baby Mama, the Ex-Cheerio is found at her centrally located locker (only the best real estate for Mama). She’s non hormonal and thin as her vocal range. In frame, Santana is still bitchy and slow-talking Brittany is still retarded.
The Asians are dating. We think their names are Tina and Mike – we were much too shocked that they actually had lines to take note of their interrogation.
Five seconds later, as the camera pans down two feet, our dearly missed paraplegic Artie rolls, and pauses to grimace at Tina and his sexier, walking replacement. (Cause you know they had a “thing”.)
Like many other queens these days that have taken a cue from mama Gaga, Kurt steps on his little soapbox, getting sassy for the camera but his rant is thankfully silenced by a drive by slushy attack delivered by Ruben Studdard (aka Unnamed Jock), “Welcome back, Lady.”
After about five minutes of that bullshit, and three and a half minutes of commercials this episode’s story finally begins. Sign-ups go up for Glee Club, and though Schuester is confident in new interest, with Nationals being in New York this year, Sue can’t help but point out that no one is signing up and the try-outs for Cheerios is more than booked.
In the principal’s office, both Sue and Schuester are told that their budgets have been cut. As Sue is expressing her frustrations, one of this season’s new characters is introduced. With the old coach gone, Miss Shannon Beiste chimes in as the new football coach. She’s big. She’s burly and clearly on some form of steroid and testosterone replacement regimen. At its first meeting, Glee Club gets a pep talk about recruiting new members in order to beat Vocal Adrenaline. Rachel is still obnoxious and her outfits are still tacky as she tries to rally the club together.
Cut to the first musical number of season 2; summer hit “Empire State of Mind.” The kids are fashioned in trucker hats, gold chains, and too-tight black screen tees that read “NEW YORK CITY.” We didn’t know “Kidz Bop” was doing a Hip Hop album either! Finally a number where the normally neglected dancers’ talents are showcased and Rachel doesn’t look like she’s trying to pass kidney stones center stage. However, we’d like to note that it’s bad enough that they dropped the tempo of Jay-Z’s ode to New York, these over privileged suburban kids need to stop using jazz hands while trying to rap. During this scene in which the kids are trying to reel in new members with their swagger and hood beats, two on-looking students are highlighted. (Derek likes the blonde boy, Sam, played by Chord Overstreet. A lot.)
Sue and Schuester exchange the same bullshit banter they do every episode, but this time they agree to team up to “topple” Beiste in order to regain budgets for both Cheerios and Glee club.
Since for some reason, the little impromptu concert in the school’s quad didn’t spark any interest, the students are left to put up fliers around school in a last attempt to find new members. Like the closet case we know he is, Finn plasters sign-up sheets in the locker room where a voice is overheard coming from the steamy showers. Finn follows the voice to find an Irish Spring commercial starring a gorgeous 6’2”, 163lb Scandinavian transfer student swinging his hips and golden Aryan locks singing “Every Rose Has Its Thorns.” Why doesn’t just Finn join in on the harmony after looking longingly into the cloud of shower fresh fog between the two of them? (Derek was asking the same question, obviously.)
Next we follow our least favorite narcissist into the girls’ bathroom. Rachel runs into an exchange student from the Philippines. As ignorant swill exits out of Rachel’s whiny trap, we find out the girl’s name is Sunshine Corazon. And the girl can sing. Thus cuing the second musical number and first (hopefully not last) dueling duet between Rachel and Sunshine – “Telephone” Lady Gaga. (Maria’s pretty sure they found this girl, Charice, on YouTube, and is also Oprah-approved, PEOPLE!!)
Sue and Schuester pull a prank on Beiste by ordering 25 pizzas to be sent to the locker room. The pizzas are delivered just as the football team is told they all are required to try out for the team, regardless of previous rank.
Heading to a flashback from the summer, we learn Artie and Tina broke up over irreconcilable differences. He wanted to play Halo. And she wanted to play…other things. Luckily Tina is able to turn her sights onto Mike Chang. Artie makes some stupid creepy-incentive driven plan to get Tina back by joining the football team. The “Coming Home” reference was for the old folks at home. Google that shit.
As Finn is wheeling Artie down the hall, the boys run into Finn’s dreamy shower serenade, Evan, we learn to be the new transfer student. The most important development in this entire scene however is the undeniable homoerotic gay-zes that dart between Finn and Evan. The boys arrange for Evan to try out in front of all the Glee guys. SQUEEEEEEEAL!!
In the Glee room, shy and coy Evan belts out “Billionaire.” Artie needs to stop rapping. Really. No…REALLY. Stop.
Rachel voices (read: WHINES) her concern about the integrity of the group being jeopardized by Sunshine. In addition to his dress-up trunk, Kurt seems to have started shopping at Forever 21. Rachel cooks up some pathetic plan to scare off our Sunshine from auditions. We’re annoyed and don’t even like talking about Rachel.
Back in the locker room, Finn and Artie try to convince Beiste to allow Artie to try out for the football team. Beiste, after having an awkwardly emotional moment, lashes out on Finn, kicking him off the team – thus stripping him of his title and adolescent identity as The Quarterback.
Sue then meets with Santana in her office to demote her from head cheerleader in light of her new, perky “juicy, vine-ripened chest fruit,” placing her at the bottom of the pyramid. To add insult to injury Sue also informs her that Quinn, though initially denied at try-outs, will be rejoining Cheerios and replacing her as head cheerleader. Did we mention Finn happened to show up to try-outs? And yes, he did dance to “I’ve Got The Power”.
Later, in the hallway, Santana and Quinn have a good old fashioned Hood Rat throw down (“don’t MAKE me put my BABY down!”) with slanderous (and quite true) remarks about Baby Mamas and tit jobs. These girls are lucky their daddies can afford sewn in weaves – tracks would’a been flying and acrylics would’a been broken. Shhhhiiiiieeeet.
No one shows up for Glee auditions. A couple scenes later, our favorite new Asian couple informs Mr Schue that Rachel sent Sunshine to a crack house so she wouldn’t try out for Glee. How does Rachel (aka “That Bitch”) know where crack houses are in her neighborhood?
Sunshine is given a chance to audition in a crack-free auditorium. She sings, “Listen” from Dreamgirls, while Rachel looks annoyed, threatened and constipated all at one time. The rest of the club and Schuester are floored and welcome Sunshine to the club.
Schuester makes nice with Coach Beiste in the teacher’s lounge. Moments after the two gentlemen shake hands, there’s an odd conflict progression between Beiste and Sue. Sue attempts to serve Coach Beiste a plate of shit cookies. Literally – cookies made of shit.
Sunshine is found cleaning out her locker with the new Vocal Adrenaline director, Dustin Goldsby, and we learn that Sue tipped him off about the pocket-sized performer – leading to her being swooped up by the competition.
Finn and Rachel exchange an absolutely disgusting conversation and for some reason, these two these seasons are trying to give us Chuck and Blair and it’s just not happening. No one cares. We ALL know Finn is gay.
Finn convinces Rachel to apologize to the Glee members. As she reflects on what we can only imagine to be very shallow thoughts of polka dot a-line skirts, trying to mop Anne Frank’s look, she sings “What I Did For Love.” Good. But nothing special.
The episode is ended with Rachel walking into the Glee room supposedly to apologize? Next week…IT’S BRITNEY, BITCH.
Hilariously Tag Teamed By: Maria and Derek