Did I mention that last June, I attempted to read the gawd-awfully written 50 Shades of Grey? No? I didn’t think so. It’s too embarrassing, but now I can just look back on the grueling task with my own special air of haughty disdain. For reals, though. I couldn’t finish it. I tried. I drank liquor out by the pool in Sun Valley with a dear girlfriend of mine…even that didn’t help. I promptly switched over to Chuck Palahniuk’s Invisible Monsters. (Have I regained your much-coveted approval yet? I cannot survive without it, you know.) Read it. Now.
ANYshame. Please, for the love of well, DAVID SEDARIS, watch this clip. You’ll need to be at home or put your headphones on, because it is indeed Not Safe For Work due to some graphic language (read: so cringe-worthy you will turn 50 Shades of Crimson).
Remember that this was on DUTCH TELEVISION, you guys. I hear-tell these folks don’t embarrass easily with regard toess eee exx, but look how completely mortified the audience members are while hearing the brilliant Mr. Sedaris “realistically” read this crap…in his hilarious, normal voice. I’m dead. Totally dead.
As a palate cleanser, let’s listen (keyword) to David and his equally hilarious sister, Amy Sedaris tell a story about their brother, Rooster. Keep your headphones on for this. Just a friendly heads up.
Is it really too much ask, that before I die, I’d like to spend the holidays with David Sedaris and his sister, Amy? Really? I don’t think it should be that difficile for someone to arrange this for me. I could listen to him for hours. Days, even.
That being said, here’s David Sedaris on Jimmy Kimmel, discussing the sound of failure, amongst some other gems…
And how darling is this??
Okay, I do have a David Sedaris story. Stephen, Patrick and I went to see him do a reading at Benaroya Hall in Seattle. (Which is usually pronounced “Beeny Royal Hall” ’round these parts.) So. We’re waiting in the gorgeous lobby and spot that little (alleged!) a-hole Mike Myers. Yeah, Wayne Campbell, Austin Powers, blah blah blah. I was a little excited about it, then we took our seats. Patrick got up to pee after awhile and came back with Mike’s autograph, apparently chatting it up with him in the Boy’s Room. Patrick told Mike that he brought his “mentally challenged sister, Julia to see David and would he please write a personal note?” Patrick tells me this entire story during the intermission, my mouth agape, and hands me a note that says, “Keep Smiling, Julia! Love, Mike Myers”. I could not believe Patrick went to the crazy-ass trouble to make up such a story–but I did believe it–hook, line and bloody sinker.
Patrick’s a mean, mean, funny-mean lying little queer. And I mean that in the nicest way possible.