Charlie Sheen is going to rehab at HOME.

What's in the bag, Charlie? Photo: Wenn

TMZ reported earlier today that Charlie is attending rehab – in his own home. You have GOT to be kidding me. 

Sources say:

“CBS, Warner Bros. and Charlie put their heads together and found an expert in addiction they think can help Charlie conquer his demons.

The expert and other professionals are coming to Charlie’s gated community in L.A., in no small part for privacy reasons.  Many rehab facilities can be tricky when it comes to patients and others spilling secrets.”

Then we have Charlie’s porn-star friend Kacey Jordan blabbing to any news/entertainment-media outlet who will listen about all the nastiness that went down at Charlie’s.  Take for example how Ms. Jordan described the details of having sex with Charlie Sheen during the “bender” to the folks at E!:

“It was OK,” Jordan tells us. “It didn’t last very long.”

While Jordan was surprised about their “quick” romp, she has a theory why it was so brief.

“Because he was so f–ked up,” she claims. “When you’re that high…his performance wasn’t very long.”

By her count, Mr. Two and a Half Men clocked in at just over two and a half minutes. She alleges he later made some “excuses” for his abbreviated performance.

“It was a three-minute ordeal,” Jordan says of the hookup, which happened right before she left his house. “After sex we just sat in bed and he held on to me. He was sloppy but still functioning, [he] wouldn’t stop kissing my feet. He promised me he’d get me a Bentley.”

Ummm….ewwww.   I’ll wait for y’all to wash your eyes with our special bleach solution.

Kacey Jordan. Photo: GMA/ABC

[Sidebar: I love how a porn star refers to sex with Charlie Sheen as a three-minute ordeal“.  Really?  I’d say that was the easiest $30,000 she’s ever made.]

Yeah. How 'bout that?

Get this:  Charlie won’t even be investigated by the LAPD for bloody anything (including a briefcase full o’ cocaine!) because even though there were a crap-load of witnesses who have spoken to the media about Charlie doing drugs during his 36-hour bender, the L.A. City Fire Department reportedly did not find illegal drugs in the house.  Guests (read: porn stars?) at the party say the drugs were “cleaned up” before the medical team arrived at Charlie’s home.

Yeah.  “Cleaned up” is a relative statement, isn’t it?  Raise your hand if you think anyone had enough time to go through Charlie’s entire house looking for secret stashes of contraband and clean urine.  Anyone?

Yeah.  Good luck with that “at-home rehab“!

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