As if I ever doubted the fact, it is indeed All. About. Patrick.
The third of about 28 phone calls throughout my day from my dearest friend consisted of the following conversation I was privileged to overhear between Patrick and an unknown caller on his other phone:
Patrick: Hello? Uh huh. Oh. Wow. (This sounds serious, I think to myself.)
After a 30-second pause, I’m getting worried. I’m sure the Patrick is going to say, “Wasn’t anyone HOME with Mom when she fell out of her wheelchair?” or “I never even knew he was SICK.” But no.
(The dreaded flat tone of voice….)
Patrick: Do they have any bearclaws, then.
(NOT a question. A flat-out STATEMENT. Bearclaws???? WTF???)
Patrick:I really wanted a gotdamn apple turnover. Those IDIOTS.
Oh, Patrick. See what I have to put up with? I wouldn’t have it any other way, though. (Or would I?) Naaawww.
Just look at him with Felix...but I did have to share this apple turnover nuttiness with y’all. They adore each other. (Felix isn’t wise to Patrick’s cray-crayness yet…he’ll still love him.)
Oh, how I wish ya’ll could be here with me right now. I’m on the phone with Patrick telling him how I found this awwwesome YouTube video of Miss Adam Glambert justa waaaailin’ some Tina Turner. This makes me wanna go back to the late 90’s atNeighbours up on Capitol Hill in Seattle and dance all up on Patrick like the good ol’ days. Oh, gurrrrl. Patrick and I were fieeeerce. Jack and Karen (from “Will and Grace”) at their finest. After workin’ all day in the men’s suits department at Nordstrom (Patrick worked at The Rail–the young men’s department–there’s a shocker), we’d doll up and drink up once we were there.(Before we left the store, Patrick would make me go to the cosmetics department with the request, “would you get me some samples of glitter?”.) Oh, dear Lord, those were good times.
ANYgay. What do you guys think of Miss Adam’s rendition of “What’s Love Got to Do With It”? I’d bump the shit outta this drivin’ around the city. OH! I should download it for the Gay Pride Party we’re going to!! Bitches will FLIP right OUT.
Now, somehow this conversation with Patrick ended up being about fainting goats. We started talking about Patrick’s crazy German Shorthair dog, Sam (he’s queer and has a screechy, girly bark, by the way–when he’s visiting the house we call Sam “Ennis” and James “Del Mar”. Figure that one out, because it’s funny), He said Sam is like “those fainting goats when he gets scared, and just flops onto the ground. I had NEVER heard of this phenomenon. So while chatting, I googled “fainting”–and FAINTING GOATS came up before I could even type it in!! What the hell? I had tears, I was laughing so hard.
This is how our typical phone calls go–about 5-6 times a day. Watch this shit–I dare you not to start crying with laughter.