Category Archives: DORK

Happy Birthday, Kristen Stewart (aka Sour White)

"It's my f*cking birthday. Whatever."

Oh, KStew. I’m sure you’re “celebrating” (Google that word, girl. You might learn that you’re doing it all kinds of wrong–it usually involves a smile or two.) But I’m pretty sure you’re “sittin’ on the stoop of the bay…gettin’ hiiiiigh.”

And THIS.  Is.  Perfect.

So yeah. Happy 22nd Birthday, you ungrateful, awkward weirdo.  I’ll say it again–if you hate being an actress–and ALL THAT GOES ALONG WITH YOUR POSITION so gotdamn much, let someone else the job who might just *appreciate the position you’ve been given.


   [uh-pree-shee-eyt] Show IPA verb, -at·ed, -at·ing.

1. to be grateful or thankful for a situation or act

I own the fact that I am beating one of my favorite “dead horses”.

(Thanks, Annette!)

Drew Barrymore is Pregnant (COUGHallegedlyCOUGH)

All points lead to YES.

Allow me, if you will, to channel my Inner Drew Barrymore…


Am I pregnant? That’s such a clinical term. I feel, with all my heart and soul that I am a breathing vessel of sorts for a beautiful baby butterfly that’s just, like, fluttering around here (holds belly gently with both hands).

Closing eyes to reflect…

Do I get what? Morning sickness? Why would anyone refer to the utter glory of gently spewing up a bright lemony-limey liquid into my chamber pot, as a “sickness”?  It’s a magical part of the journey of being With-Butterfly, experiencing “The Daisy Nectar” drip from my lips as I kneel in the warm waterfall of my shower.  You do know I heard from my psychic that the sour morning sickness bile “Daisy Nectar” is wonderfully magical and nourishing for a mother’s skin. I collect mine in antique jars and atomizers if I don’t have time to luxuriate in the fresh morning “Daisy Dew” (I call it that, too) of my shower.   Isn’t it just amazing and magical?  I can just spritz it anywhere, really.

Oh, yes. I do plan on marketing my “Daisy Nectar/Dew” because marketing is magical. Making money on my precious fluttery butterfly, honeybee, hummingbird baby is purely magical. What? Of course my precious miracle of magical-ness will be “Trademarked“.  So don’t even try, Bitches.  What I mean is, there is only one…and it shall be MY magical little birdie from my very own inner nest.

*I pray to be like the ocean, with soft currents, maybe waves at times. More and more, I want the consistency rather than the highs and the lows.


Oh, that last line? Drew Barrymore actually uttered those words.

Isn’t she just so incredibly magically profound?  Ugh..I need to go barf and I’m not pregnant by a long shot.

Let’s start a pool on Drew Barrymore’s Baby Names, shall we?

Photo: Michael Muller


It’s All. About. Patrick.


The Pretentious One - Patrick

As if I ever doubted the fact, it is indeed All. About. Patrick.

The third of about 28 phone calls throughout my day from my dearest friend consisted of the following conversation I was privileged to overhear between Patrick and an unknown caller on his other phone:

Patrick: Hello? Uh huh. Oh. Wow. (This sounds serious, I think to myself.)

After a 30-second pause, I’m getting worried. I’m sure the Patrick is going to say, “Wasn’t anyone HOME with Mom when she fell out of her wheelchair?” or “I never even knew he was SICK.” But no.

Patrick: Well.

(The dreaded flat tone of voice….)

Patrick: Do they have any bearclaws, then.

(NOT a question. A flat-out STATEMENT. Bearclaws???? WTF???)

Patrick: I really wanted a gotdamn apple turnover. Those IDIOTS.

Oh, Patrick.  See what I have to put up with?  I wouldn’t have it any other way, though. (Or would I?)  Naaawww.

"Guncle" Patrick and Felix...

Just look at him with Felix...but I did have to share this apple turnover nuttiness with y’all.  They adore each other. (Felix isn’t wise to Patrick’s cray-crayness yet…he’ll still love him.)