I’m not even kidding when I tell you people that I would watch Bryan Cranstonand Aaron Paul do LAUNDRY. Basically, I just want a USTREAM “puppy-cam”-type deal, following them around 24/7. Is that too much to ask? AnyOBSESSION. Let’s all take a peek-a-loo at the awesomeness that is the Barely Legal PawnEmmy promo. (Oh yeah, Julia Louis-Dreyfus is in the clip, as well.)
I tell ya what, Bryan Cranston can get all smarmy with me anytime he damn-well pleases–snakeskin boots and all. I’m totally gonna be wearing my “Tread Lightly” shirt on Monday, August 25th and screaming like a 13 year old One Direction goon when (not bloody IF) Bryan wins for Best Actor in a Drama forBreaking Bad.
Let’s just get this out of the way right now: LUPITA NYONG’OWINS EVERYTHING THIS AWARDS SEASON. She’s what we call Total Package Overload ’round these parts, and that simply means that Lupita has perfected the fine art of sheer elegance and majesty with her ability be show how a talented, highly intelligent, gracious and bloody gorgeous young woman can present herself. This Gucci gown? I gasped, then I fainted. Oh hello, Academy Award! Yes, I’m calling it NOW.
Let’s get to the cringe-fest now, shall we? Three words: “ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT.”
I’d like to mention that while I’m pleased (I guess?) that Matthew McConaughey won the SAG Award for Best Actor, that speech of his was over-indulgent and far too long…and I THANK Cate Blanchett from the bottom of my heart for side-eyeing that verbal vom-fest, as well as telling the ticking speech clock to fuck off for trying to shove her offstage. No. And HELL NO.
“I’ve been away from the film industry for a long time making theater … 29 seconds?! Matthew McConaughey spoke about Neptune and I think I can have five seconds,”
HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHHAAAAA! Seriously. Dead laughing for so many reasons. Sure, we know the broadcast was on a time limit, but giving Just Keep Livin’ everyone else’s allotted speech acceptance time is just not cool, man.
Oh, and All Hail Heisenberg, PoorJesse.com, et al and Vince Gilligan for the Breaking Bad win!
Here’s the entire list of winners for you:
Outstanding performance by a cast in a motion picture
• “12 Years a Slave” • “American Hustle” —WINNER • “August: Osage County” • “Dallas Buyers Club” • “Lee Daniels’ The Butler”
Outstanding performance by a male actor in a leading role
• Bruce Dern, “Nebraska” • Chiwetel Ejiofor, “12 Years a Slave” • Tom Hanks, “Captain Phillips” • Matthew McConaughey, “Dallas Buyers Club” — WINNER • Forest Whitaker, “Lee Daniels’ The Butler”
Outstanding performance by a female actor in a leading role
Outstanding performance by a male actor in a supporting role
• Barkhad Abdi, “Captain Phillips” • Daniel Bruhl, “Rush” • Michael Fassbender, “12 Years a Slave” • James Gandolfini, “Enough Said” • Jared Leto, “Dallas Buyers Club” — WINNER
Outstanding performance by a female actor in a supporting role • Jennifer Lawrence, “American Hustle” • Lupita Nyong’o, “12 Years a Slave” — WINNER • Julia Roberts, “August: Osage County” • June Squibb, “Nebraska” • Oprah Winfrey, “Lee Daniels’ The Butler”
Outstanding performance by a male actor in a television movie or miniseries
• Matt Damon, “Behind the Candelabra” • Michael Douglas, “Behind the Candelabra” — WINNER • Jeremy Irons, “The Hollow Crown” • Rob Lowe, “Killing Kennedy” • Al Pacino, “Phil Spector”
Outstanding performance by a female actor in a television movie or miniseries
• Angela Bassett, “Betty & Coretta” • Helena Bonham Carter, “Burton and Taylor” • Holly Hunter, “Top of the Lake” • Helen Mirren, “Phil Spector” — WINNER • Elisabeth Moss, “Top of the Lake”
Outstanding performance by a male actor in a drama series
• Steve Buscemi, “Boardwalk Empire” • Bryan Cranston, “Breaking Bad” — WINNER (SQUEEEEEEEEE!!!) • Jeff Daniels, “The Newsroom” • Peter Dinklage, “Game of Thrones” • Kevin Spacey, “House of Cards”
Outstanding performance by a female actor in a drama series
Outstanding performance by an ensemble in a comedy series
• “30 Rock” • “Arrested Development” • “The Big Bang Theory” • “Modern Family” — WINNER • “Veep”
Outstanding action performance by a stunt ensemble in a motion picture
• “All is Lost” • “Fast & Furious 6” • “Lone Survivor” — WINNER • “Rush”” • “The Wolverine”
Outstanding action performance by a stunt ensemble in a comedy or drama series
• “Boardwalk Empire” • “Breaking Bad” • “Game of Thrones” — WINNER • “Homeland” • “The Walking Dead”
Life achievement award
I watched part of the ceremony live, then went out to dinner with my Silver Fox Husband. We came home and watched the rest on DVR, which was great because I could fast forward through the embarrassing and awkward parts (5/8ths of the broadcast, including the lame-o announcer). It would make me very happy if I never hear an award winner SING part of their acceptance speech, OR pretend they don’t speak English well (SOFIA VERGARA? Enough already!), OR mention Venus and a Russian dude who built a boat.